Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
