I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
