I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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