genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
