Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
