Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
