Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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