drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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