Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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