So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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