My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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