cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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