I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
