hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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