Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
