I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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