dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I touched a dick in church today
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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