I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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