I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
