my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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