The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
