If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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