When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
