Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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