You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
