The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
