I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
