I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
