i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
