In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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