Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
