I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
