All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
