I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Randomize
