Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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