so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Randomize