I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
