Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
its liver damage thursday
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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