Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i think i have two assholes
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
