My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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