I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
