my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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