I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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