if i can run in heels then i can drive
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
