there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We just shotgunned beers for America
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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