wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
