WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
