You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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