did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
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