to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
