oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
