I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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