...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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