I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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