This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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