I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
