I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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