I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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