I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i need an iv and a liver transplant
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
