Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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