don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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