Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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