He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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