If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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