some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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