Got a toothbrush?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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