There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
