get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
